You Can Climb Snow-Capped Peaks With Timberlands. Seriously

Um, right. And we're supposed to believe a simple pair of Timberland sneakers can somehow enable us to climb to the top of a multi-thousand foot, snow-capped peak? With out any climbing gear at all? Oh wait, this is an ad. Of course you can climb to the top of a snow-capped peak with a pair of sneakers because, well, it's all about the apparent fact "everyone dreams of standing on a podium."

I Want Some Ass, Dammit!

Calm down. Calm down. Maybe it's been a while since you've had the pleasure but let's conduct ourselves like the adults here and discuss this rationally. Humans, perhaps as a sick joke by our creator, were seemingly programmed to be obsessed with ass. Though when you think of it, an ass obsession is really kind of gross. After all, an ass's purpose is nothing more than a built in cushion upon which we can sit and rest our weary bodies from time to time. Oh and the gross part? Well let's just say it's home to that area through which unneeded refuse passes. And that's just nasty.

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Kids Rattle Stats Off to Save Sharks

Check out "Don't Hate," an ad where a bunch of wise-arse kids barrage ign'ant adults with shark-friendly statistics like "Did you know you're more likely to be killed by a coconut falling out a tree?"

Don't get me wrong, it's a good message. Something about these kids -- the way they talk, their righteous I adhere to the Food Pyramid! tenors -- makes me want to tie my tubes, though. But hey, I also learned that sharks "just aren't interested" in eating me.

*steps into suit made of freshwater fish carcasses*

That's what they think!

Distributed by Raging Artists for Wild Aid. See variants. Oh yeah, and KISS stands for "Kids Involved in Saving Sharks," which was founded by an 11-year-old boy. Somebody I know was all, "Ugh. KAP -- Kids As Pawns. Can we puh-LEEZE stop that insanity." SRSLY, yo.

Marketing Dollars Put to Good Use: Sexpresso

Green coffee company Java Girls adds a kick to your fair trade feel-good cup o' joe. Think bikinis, lingerie, soapy carwashes, and girls that say "honey" (like at Hooters!). See photo gallery. It's like Halloween at Chico State, all year long.

"Sex sells," says founder Steven McDaniel in the promo video (on the homepage). "We can move in next door to any Starbucks and compete with them." Speaking of Starbucks, the coffee giant prefers to err on the side of modesty: it covered up its mermaid nips last May.

I'm more skeptical about the success of the skin-and-caffeine business model. Starbucks has a lot of high friends in conservative places (Barnes & Noble, suburban shopping malls, business centres). And anyway, would you hit a novelty T&A cafe for your sleepy cup of slop every day? Would you take your boss? Would you take Jesus?

WWE's Undertaker Flattens Andy Roddick

So if you're one of those types who can't be bothered with the elitism, skill, finesse and general snottiness of tennis, you just might love this promotional spot for the WWE's Unforgiven pay-per-view event. In the spot, the WWE's Undertaker, acting as referee, shuts down Andy Roddick for complaining about one of the Undertaker's calls. And really, a sport that's totally fake, is played by idiotic buffoons and would make a space alien think twice about making contact with the human race is so much better than a namby pamby sport like tennis, right?

WTFvertising Used to Get Kids Off Tobacco

Three high school kids stand at the side of a track. One pulls out some chewing tobacco, then everyone's attention is captured by a rabbit with antlers. Bad taxonomy job? The creature spits tobacco out on the kids, everybody goes "Daaaang," suddenly somebody's missing a front tooth, and the moral is, don't chew tobacco.

"Dip. It can make your teeth fall out!"

By EnviroMedia for Spit It Out Texas. I don't get it. Off-topic, anti-tobacco ads -- no matter how disgusting -- always make me nostalgic for Big League Chew.

Wall*E Used to Expose Kleenex's Snottier Side

"Another box of Kleenex, one more forest gooooone!" That's part of Greenpeace's freaky new campaign song, inspired by the motion picture Wall*E. The group reimagined the doe-eyed, trash-smushing robot as the descendant of eco-antagonist Kleer*E, which -- in their words -- "gobbles up forests and spits out boxes of Kleenex."

Political cartoonist Mark Fiore produced the vid, available here. What was cute is now sinister, all part and parcel of Greenpeace's ongoing Kleercut campaign -- an effort to litter Kleenex's family-friendly brand persona with tree carcasses, wood splinters and warped, nightmarish jingles.

"Tell Kimberly-Clark to stop the Iron*E!" puns Greenpeace shamelessly. Once the goosebumps go down, though, I have to admit it's all very charming in a twisted sort of way.

Industry Creatives Given Free Reign For Presidential Campiagn Ads

Adweek asked industry creatives to create presidential campaign ads just for fun. While many made excuses as to why it wouldn't be right for them to take part (lack of objectivity, client embarrassment), several were up to the task including Anomaly's Mik Byrne, Butler Shine Stern & Partners's John Butler, Deutsch's Peter Nicholson, Goodby's Jamie Barret, Kaplan Thaler Group's Tom Amico, R/GA's Nick Law, T.A.G's Scott Duchon and TBWA\Chiat\Day's Rob Schwartz.

Some of the concepts centered around Obama's perceived lack of experience, McCain's elderly age and, of course a Paris Hilton take.

Hmm...this prompts a thought. Victoria's Secret versus Frederick's of Hollywood. Any takers?

Greedy People Sought Far and Wide to Populate New Website

MediaBuys, LLC has launched a web destination called Greedy People, where, according to the Flash intro, "People will do just about anything for MONEY." Think of it as Bragster with a desperate twang, or Digital Panhandler 2.0.

Users can earn cash for just about anything, and I mean anything. There's a dude on here apparently willing to pay somebody $25 to buy tampons for his "crazy feminist girlfriend." And another guy who'll pay $250 for somebody to talk to his dead relatives. (No prior experience necessary.)

Hell, the economy's weak; here's one more space that's raining money. See print ads here. (Down the right-hand side of the pressie.)

Late Summer Brings More Mischief. Yes, Another Party!

It's time for August's Mischief Party. If you recall, it's a monthly series of summer parties Adrants is helping promote and...hold your breath...will attend when the September party occurs during Advertising Week. Yes, we can be a bit aloof here around Adrants but we do actually leave the office once in a while and mix with the industry we are so fond of taunting.

The parties are hosted by Fuel Industries' Sean MacPhedran, Oddcasts's Emily Twomey and Desedo's Michael Hastings. So far there have been parties at the nightclub-sized apartment of Oddcast's President and the Grace Hotel Pool.

The August party will be held this Wednesday, August 27, atop 305 Second Avenue and Butternuts beer will flow freely. RSVP here. Help maintain the industry's party-like atmosphere. We can't let the general public in on the secret we actually work as opposed to leading the Mad Men-like life they see each week on AMC.