After a year of medicinally purging themselves of the psychological terror
experienced over the course of their tenure at the now defunct TFA/Leo
Burnett Technology Group through a new form of treatment called “Chatsip”
(a now medically proven form of bitching, dishing and gossiping in a group
like forum), all former employees of the Chicago based agency have been
given a clean bill of health from the Bisceglia Mind Mapping Institute.
This new form of psychological healing for advertising employees subjected
to the rigors of client meetings, con calls, Inbox fattening email jokes,
pointless corporate policies, gratuitous holiday gifts, and idiotic
management practices has the industry abuzz with comment.
“I’m not sure I buy into the treatment,” said Jim Mullen of the Mullen
Institute for Woodland Cults. “Over the course of our Institutes existence,
we have seen our method of soothing woodlands and illusions of mansion
grandeur to be the most superior form of keeping employees in line—uh..I
mean keeping employees happy.”
“This is all very interesting…” said Jack Conners of the HHCC Sky Club
for Advertising. “But we have had wonderful success keeping our overworked
and underpaid employees free of ad related stress simply by overpowering
that stress with the stress of an airplane potentially flying right through
their office window. We have actually created a campaign that includes
posters on the windows showing an approaching airplane. Employees love it.
Stress is down. Productivity is up. Everyone is happy.”
Out in Maynard, Massachusetts, Pat Harpell of the Harpell Lack of
Management Skills Institute disagrees with this touchy-feely approach as
she describes it. “Employees don’t need this new soft handed babble speak
to get them to produce. All they need is management that mind fucks them so
intensely that their only choice is to stare blankly at their cube wall
saying, ‘My opinion doesn’t matter. I have nothing to add. Management
doesn’t give a shit what I think. I am of no value to this company. I am a
helpless automaton with no alternative other then to Do my Fuckin Job.’
This approach has been so successful for us that we have won the downsizing
race of late. We were actually able to go from 65 people to 13..inside of a
year! Now, I call that a system that works!”
Former employees of TFA/LBTG are ecstatic with the results.
Jon Carpenter, former TFA/LBTG Interactive Designer gleefully explains, “At
first, I just could not stop talking about it. I just had so much to say.
In fact, I was the most psychologically addicted member of the team. Now…I
am completely free. I have nothing more to say.”
Doug Geer, former Art Director and another very prolific participant in the
treatment was actually the first to be cured. He was the first to state
that, “It was a great ride but now I am cured. I’m done. I’m ready to move
on!”
However, while this has been a shining success story and a truly
revolutionary form of Advertising Psychosis, there have been some side
effects to the treatment. At the thought of ending this group related form
of treatment, former Media Director, Steve Hall literally broke down in
tears and begged his former agency mates to keep participating in the
treatment only to have the Psychosis crawl up his ass and start eating the
shit out of his colon.
Mr. Hall’s fears were put to rest, though, after a sympathetic member of
the group offered help with a unique psychosis reducing tactic within the
treatment. This unique tactic within the treatment called the “Doug Geer
Top Ten List” enabled Mister Hall to regain his composure, stop begging,
and is on his way to a full recovery.
As a whole, the former members of TFA/Leo Burnett Technology Group now look
back fondly yet longingly to a time that once was. A time that can now be
remembered as one of pleasure and not one filled with management inanities
and $3,000 expense accounts. They have all purged themselves of the
oft-experienced “Seanerrorism” nightmares that used to plague all during
sleep.
In the Advertising world, there can be happy endings. The group is known to
get together on occasion to relive the positives during those intense years
of their careers and to dwell not on the terror of the past but on the
optimism of the future.
Surprisingly, and due in no small part to the “Chatsip” treatment, most
have stayed in the advertising business and are now able to enjoy the true
joys of advertising without the nasty side effects.
Just yesterday, an agency called 3i has decided to try this new treatment
program after having experienced amazingly similar symptoms to those of the
former TFA/LBTG employees.
(Please lawyers, this is a parody)
