Is your head about to explode with the proliferation of stupid metric buzzwords like “engagement?” Ours certainly is after hearing Scripps Network is tossing yet another into the pot: receptivity, and finding, of course, two of their networks, DIY and HGTV rank tops on the list. Gee, let’s just invent yet another metric so that our media property can come out on top. How about “blatant use of cuss words and pics of hot chics?” Adrants, number one. How about “wise-ass commentary you don’t necessarily need to get through your day?” Adrants, number one. How about “most typos to piss off readers resulting in the highest level of ‘engagement’ as indicated by the number of bitchy complaint emails?” Adrants, number one.
You try it. We’re sure you can find at least one metric that will place you on top. Here’s one: sales. Heard of it? It’s really straight forward. It contributes to revenue which makes companies very, very happy. It lets them give their employees raises. That makes employees happy. It allows them to grow their business into other sectors. That makes employers (and new employees) happy. It lets companies hold huge Christmas parties. That makes employees drunk for free which they really love. It helps increase stock value. That makes investors happy. It lets companies waste $2.5 million on Super Bowl ads. That make everyone very happy. Oh, wait, we’ve got it! The new metric that’s going to storm the industry: Happiness. OK, go make a PowerPoint out of this, present it at a conference and the media will be all over your ass blindly praising you for your brilliance. Next.
