Dear Lindsay,
We just saw your movie, Herbie: Fully Loaded. You know what? It was great! It really was. Congratulations. It was entertaining. It made us feel for Herbie. And for you. We cheered. We laughed. And, it did the original justice. Best of all, you looked great. Really great. So, to all those buffoons and gossipists who obsessed over Disney supposedly digitally reducing a certain part of your body but wouldn’t be caught dead in a G rated Disney flick to confirm the myth, we say, “Go see the movie people! There’s more Lohan jiggling in Herbie than in all her other movies combined.” And get this. The movie was so good, the six year old we refer to as daughter who watched the movie with us didn’t even ask, “Daddy, why does her chest keep moving?”
Anyway, that’s not the point. Well, it sort of is. While you looked great on the movie, we’re a bit concerned about the recent photos of you in which you appear to be in need of some serious McDonald’s intake. You do know you don’t look good sporting the Calista Flockhart, Lara Flynn-Boyle thing, right? We know what happened, though. Your agent and perhaps even you freaked out about the media’s obsession with your breasts. That, combined with the fact the a Hollywood move rarely ever features a leading woman bigger than a B cup. Oh, sure. Guys can be huge but girls? Uh uh. You got big breasts? You get to play the bimbo part. The screamer in the horror flick. The background bikini babe. But not the leading lady part. Nope. Not in Hollywood. There, the good ‘ol double standard rules, Lindsay. But, we think you should tell all those plastic Hollywood people who forced you to stop eating and turn into a twiglet to screw it and go eat a big, fat Paris Hilton Burger. They don’t know what they’re talking about. And you shouldn’t be listening to them.
You are beautiful just the way you are/were, Lindsay. Don’t let those Hollywood schmucks tell you your breasts are distracting and that audiences won’t take you seriously. We say crap to that. We took you seriously in Herbie and we liked you a lot. Don’t get sucked into all that Hollywood fakery. Don’t let it run your life, girl! Please start eating again.
