Yup, it’s one of the necessary evils when you are diagnosed with cancer and the surgery does not completely remove it. On October 5 of last year, I had 10 inches of my colon removed and spent 5 of my 7 days in the hospital with a tube stuck down my throat to suck my stomach out while the surgery healed. As I told my friend the night before I went in for surgery, “I have to get my ass cut”
I don’t think morphine is all it’s cracked up to be. It freaks you out, makes your delerious, and gives you bad dreams. Well, at least for me it did. After two days, I said, get me off this stuff, I’ll deal with the pain and you know what? It wasn’t that bad. Of course, I wasn’t going to be doing sit ups anytime soon but then again, I never do them anyway.
The stomach tube was the worst. Hard to talk. You always feel it there….a constant annoyance. I couldn’t do much but lay there and wait for my intestines to back into the swing of things and let one rip. Yup, that’s the scientific method of knowing when things are all connected down there…a big fart! In this day of all ouor technology, you have to fart to get a stomach tube out. Who knew?
But cancer isn’t the taboo, scary thing that they make it out to be in movies and on TV. Sure, you can die from it. But the vast majority survive if you catch it in time. I am hoping I did just that. I’m optimistic that everything will be fine and it will turn into an old memory that I can think back on ever so affectionately.
I have a friend and former co-worker, Doug Geer, who makes a habit of creating top ten lists for whatever seems to be happening at the current time which he then share on an advertising related community site we created after all being layed off from the same company. It has some inside jokes you won’t get but it had me laughing for hours and certainly gave me a very optimistic feeling going into surgery:
10. “Paging Dr. Santy, Dr. Santy to O.R. #3” (former weirdo co-worker)
9. Remember to claim any income you get from the Colon Fairy to Unemployment ( we were all unemployed at the time)
8. Coincidentally “8 Inches of Colon” is also the name of a bar in Provincetown
7. The lead role in the Steve Hall movie will be played by actor Kevin Polyp
6. Request that doctor place piece of colon in zip lock bag. Place zip lock bag in 9×12″ white envelope and mail to (former employer whose name shall remain a mystery)
5. Gives new meaning to the term “TFA Survivor” (the name of our community site)
4. While in hospital, Steve comes up with innovative viral marketing idea for bedpans and catheters (see…I am in advertising!)
3. Request that doctor place piece of colon in zip lock bag. Place zip lock bag in 9×12″ white envelope and mail to (another former employer)
2. Surgery happens to be on Colonbus Day
1. Oxycontin Perscription = Six Figure Income
And….another humorous list:
10. Chief Sitting Steve
9. Ass Hall
8. Osama Bin Limpin’
7. Monty Hole
6. Detective Colonbo
5. Recthall
4.Cornhallio
3. Preparation H-all
2. King of Plop
1. CE-Ow!
So you see, there has to be humor and optimism when these serious life issue rear up and kick you in the ass (pun intended, I guess)
Later
