Right up there with Chevrolet and apple pie, Budweiser has always been quintessentially American. While it’s unlikely too much will change, the brewer on Sunday accepted a $52 billion bid from Belgian brewer InBev SA. Upon approval, the deal makes InBev the world’s largest brewer and the fourth largest CPG company in the world.
Hmm. Will we now see the Clydesdales pulling a Stella Artois wagon or, perhaps, a Beck’s wagon? No wait. This is perfect. During the Super Bowl next year, after several months of Budweiser’s Americanistic tendencies have influenced InBev, the Beck’s Babes will be introduced. They won’t be mud wrestling or splashing around in a pool. No. Though convinced by Budweiser marketers for months big breasted women in bikinis is all men want to see in beer commercials, that’s simply too crass for Inbev.
Instead, the ladies will be on a large yacht cruising the Caribbean or, perhaps, the Mediterranean, prancing elegantly around the deck in high heels, bikinis and sheer beach robes. For fun, they’ll exchange their ridiculously tiny string bikini tops while attempting to hold a Budweiser beer can between their breasts which, of course, won’t really be a problem because, like everything in America, their breasts will be so enormous they’ll be able to cradle an entire case of Budweiser between their breasts without dropping a single can. Even with their tops off.
And nudity won’t be an issue at all because Europeans appreciate the beauty of the naked body and aren’t hampered by America’s Puritanically-fueled aversion to anything remotely related to the topic of sex. In America, sex is gross. Nudity is disgusting and it simply will not stand! Of course since the Super Bowl is broadcast from America, none of this will ever happen and we’ll just be subjected a litany of increasingly more mundane, idiotic representation of American male stupidity.
But, like GoDaddy does every year, the naked bikini frolic will be available for all to see online and will garner more views then even all of Matt Harding’s dancing videos combined.
Perhaps realizing America’s long affinity for Budweiser, InBev just might allow Budweiser one last America-focused tagline: “America. It’s Breasts…Uh…Beer is Bigger.”
